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Sebastian Coe reviews the Olympics
And so, the greatest show on earth, has finished. It was tense, it was emotional, and it was damned expensive, but when my stylist finally held up the mirror, so I could see the back of my head… well,...
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‘Dust is magic’ claims owner of Magic Dust Confectionery
Sweet Tony Wood, owner of the Magic Dust Confectionery corporation, has kick started a war of words, by stating that “Every speck of dust, has a touch of magic about it. Everyone should eat more...
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Bits of Cargill – all my hilarity, in one book!
Yeeees! I’ve finally done it, what everyone has been wanting me to do for so long now! A vasectomy! Er, I mean, erm, I finally published all my funniest articles as a book. Here, check out the...
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Celebrity catch up, with Tony Blair
Hey there, fans! T-Blairs here. It’s probably been a while since you last heard about me, so now is the perfect time, for a spot of the old catch uperoony. My life is far more exciting than yours,...
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Q&A with Paparazzi John
Welcome, oglers! Unless you’ve been living in a country with tightly-controlled state media restricting your exposure to celebrity nipple-slips, you’ll have heard all about the Kate Middleton holiday...
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A single egg can provide so much pleasure
Hi, my name is Mandingo Manning and I’m an egg enthusiast. Eggs are actually kind of weird if you think about it, ‘cos they’re just globes of goo that have fallen out of a hen’s arse. It’s not like...
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Celebrity catchup with Tom Cruise
Oh, you’re early! Sorry, let me just step into my high heels first. Ah, and if you could just stand on the lower step over there… that’s better. So, how are we all today? I’m fine, thanks. I can...
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The Pope reviews an outdoor, rotary washing line
Hai, is Pope here. This year, City of Vatican celebrates Halloween – Christ alive, it make mess! Someone used rotary washing line as prop for crucifixion costume, and now we need to buy new one....
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Odds and Sodds
I don’t care what the advertising blurb says; a Starbucks gift voucher would make a really crap Christmas present. John G, Manchester Shoppers: fed up with tax-dodging supermarkets getting free...
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A day in the life of Morrissey
My farts smell better than yours. Hi, fans. This week has been a bit of an odd one for me. When I opened my front door this morning, I was rather shocked to see that the world wasn’t on fire. I...
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Justin Bieber’s diary
Dear diary Christmas was quite stressful for me this year, as I wasn’t sure if Santa knew how much of a good boy I’ve been. Back in the summer, I accidentally fell on a snail whilst practicing the...
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The return of Nurse Ratched
‘Sup, y’all? Have you missed me? I sure hope so, otherwise I’ll be spiking your talcum powder with anthrax. I’ve been in a sporty mood recently, and decided to get myself involved with a local...
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A cannibal does your horoscopes
Us ‘bals get a bit of a bad rep these days, so I’m here to try and improve our image a bit. And what better way to kick things off, than with a bit of horoscoping? It’s perfect for introducing an...
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A snowman reviews an organically grown carrot
Us snow blokes aren’t usually around for very long, so we have to make do with what we have. I once watched a nature documentary about a species of giant moth who only live for about two days; they...
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Jake – my latest book now available! Free for reviewers and followers
At last! It’s here! It’s finished! My latest book is now occupying the digital shelves of an online shop somewhere near you. And by jove, would it be thrilled to have your mouse pointer tickling...
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Odds and Sudds
Has anyone else noticed how hippos are like old people? They’re constantly smiling, don’t seem to have many teeth, and it wouldn’t surprise me if they were prone to pissing themselves after getting...
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Eco agony aunt Frigid Twiglet is here
Hey, gang! With all the wind and the rain that’s been battering the fair shores of the UK recently, I’ve been wondering if Armageddon isn’t just around the corner. It honestly wouldn’t surprise me if...
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Nick Clegg reviews nuclear power
Hi, Cleggers here. Or ‘Cleggety Clops‘ as I’m known in certain sections of The House of Lords. So then, nuclear powers – who wants one? I had a meeting with a nuclear engineer man the other day, and...
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Justin Bieber’s diary
Dear diary The other morning I woke up and saw that it was sunny outside so I thought summer had arrived but then I did a sneeze which made me feel all cold so mummy told me to put a jumper on. I went...
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Mikhail Gorbachev reviews a hair net
Greetings, fine Western peoples of the Internet. For birthday last year I receive modem of 56k to access and surfs websites of glorious information. Since then, I have had much fun reading emails...
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